Thank You.

I get labeled the “bitter” girl a lot so I thought I would try saying thank you for a change.

Thank you.

Thank you for abruptly disappearing when I finally started to venture

Don’t worry, this time I promise I will spare you the lecture.

Thank you for not opening the message we both know you’ve seen,

Thank you for the unfathomable amount of uncertainty you’ve given me.

Thank you for reminding me it’s much safer staying alone.

Thank you for re-introducing me to a lethal rejection I’ve already known.

Thank you for not showing me the wedding band you took off in your car,

Because God forbid you hadn’t, things wouldn’t have gotten this far.

Finally, thank you for labeling me as the crazy one when my back is turned,

Maybe one day I can pay you back for all the valuable lessons I’ve learned.

Thank you.

And Then You Move On.

Pitch-black room, bare dirt stained wall,

Half-dead phone with no missed calls,

Tremendous pain, just a few bruises,

No clear-cut memories, did I choose this?

One gentle hug and one comforting whisper,

Dozens and dozens of bottles of liquor.

They’ve all moved on and you should too,

You’re just the millionth case, what did you expect them to do?

Feeling like an imposter drowned in familiar faces,

With every accidental brush, your heart beat races.

He’s moved on and you really should too,

He gave an apology, what more can he do?

A year goes by, it’s gotten better with time,

Or maybe it hasn’t but you’ve perfected the lie,

Vodka induced sleep and recreational pain,

Your go-to recipe for trying to stay sane.

The brutal reality is after it’s done,

After the excruciating pain at your expense is called fun,

After the version of yourself you’ve known for life is all gone,

You just get up the next morning and then you move on.

Prompt: Write About A Thing You Need

Someone told me to write a poem about the thing I need

And all I know are the things I want, things that stem from greed.

Years of a numb kind of drunk

No awareness of a spirit already sunk

Lungs filled with smoke

An empty laugh at a warm joke

The only indulgence I missed

The only discernable mistake

The first name on a long, long list

Was letting you go, allowing it to break.

Confinement

Fifteen reminds me of her long black hair and the splash of freckles on her skin

She’d tie her flannel shirt around her waist before we climbed the chain-link fence

I didn’t know it then, I was too petrified to indulge in a forbidden sin

It was mesmerizing, I stayed on her hook happy to live in suspense.

She had a wild heart, she had a vile mouth and I strangely lived in envy

I was playing a role she was living my truth, I didn’t know what I was feeling.

She tells stories like me but she stretches them out until the fiction becomes almost deadly

It was an unfiltered admiration, a mindless infatuation and then one day it all hit a ceiling.

I liked the parts of her that were wild and free but always kept a little sweetness

There was a wicked side but I turned a blind eye, eager to keep her on a throne in my mind

She’s gone now and I’m grateful for that but I still savor the bits and the pieces,

Because of her I’m forever freed, there’s no version of me living confined.

Baby Blue

Baby blue tastes like American Spirits and cheap liquor too,

Looking at him I know there’s nothing more I can do.

His jokes are growing stale, his laugh is the quietest in the room

Looking at him I know he’s accepted his own doom.

Baby blue is one more drink, one more mistake from fading away,

And I can’t watch him spiral anymore so he tells me that I can’t stay.

I kiss him on the cheek on his stained leather seats

Choosing to walk alone, willing to bear the Summer heat.

Baby blue has the prettiest eyes even when he’s yelling at me with anger.

I know his longest love will be his lifelong infatuation with danger,

but Baby blue thinks I’m the villain, so he’ll hate me until I’m a stranger.

Reality

When I was a little girl if I had a bad day,

I would simply close my eyes & make it all go away.

I’ve always had this special talent of disappearing into my head

Shifting reality to fit into the story I created instead.

When I opened my eyes again everything was brand new,

I wasn’t really me and you weren’t really you.

With the snap of my fingers I was an actress in a role,

I never used it to be cruel, I just used it when life was dull.

Even as an adult I make up these universes in my head

To escape the monotony, the reoccurring dread.

Every once in awhile I have this sobering, sudden fear

That I’ve slipped far into the role, that reality’s become unclear.

New York City

I have a love for New York City,

The streets are too crowded, my pictures never turned out pretty.

With every one moving so fast day to day,

No one cares what you do. No one cares what you say.

I have a love for New York City

And a troubling romance for the vodka I carried with me.

I woke up at midnight and I walked there all alone.

I always hated it there but I couldn’t go home.

With a stomach full of liquor and 50 dollars in my pocket,

I stared at a Ripley’s Believe it or Not! Mirror wondering if I’d lost it.

I have a love for New York City.

A love I visit when I’m lost, not a love I carry with me.

I Grieve With You

I wrote this poem in a healthy safe mindset, as more of a comfort to those who are going through a struggle that I’ve been able to relate to at one point in my life. I have so much love for the women in my life who have raised me, empowered me, and helped me heal. If you ever need to talk to someone please reach out to your loved ones or know that it’s okay to use your resources. I’m going to leave the hotline for the National Sexual Assault Hotline 1-800-656-4673. Never feel weak for reaching out for help and building your support system.

I understand why she cut her hair so that he couldn't grab it.

I get why she drinks herself to sleep, the nightmares are so graphic.
I accept her even though she is unfriendly to every stranger,

and I ache for the girl who repented thinking a higher being could save her.
I grieve with her, I scream with her, I too can feel that anger.

I battle a misplaced resentment not protecting myself from danger.
I was revived by a sisterhood of women, each one living my pain.

We do the best that we can to survive, we've given up on staying sane.

Love Is Logistics

I love you so much and I’m really gonna miss it,

But let me tell you a secret dear, love is logistics.

When I’m up every morning and you wake up late at night,

When every discussion about religion is ending up in a fight

When every talk about the future makes us dig our heels in,

We have to face the music, no one’s ever gonna win.

I know we were raised on fairytales and magical love stories,

But we should have listened to the facts even if it was boring.

I’m always going to love you so let’s end it while it’s good

Let’s give each other the respect of walking away when we should.

I love you so much and I’m really gonna miss it,

But let me tell you a secret my dear, love is logistics.